Get better at confrontation

Happy Saturday!

There are 14k+ people reading this email alongside you today.

Know anyone else who might enjoy this health + wealth + relationship newsletter?

Click the button below to send it there way. Who knows? Sharing this could spark an important conversation you’ve been needing to have.

This month’s theme is: confrontation.

Alright, let’s get curious about confrontation in your relationships.

RELATIONSHIPS
People pleasing is crushing you

Sorry in advance to all my “people pleasers” out there but there is no such thing as a relationship free of conflict.

Yet, we often waste so much energy avoiding what is actually healthy and normal conflict (myself included).

To be clear, I’m not advocating for anyone to go out and start picking fights with people to start feeling better.

Instead, I see most of us hanging out at the other end of the spectrum — being WAY overly polite. Avoiding directness just to keep the peace.

This is especially true in the workplace. We join organizations with our own “relationship legacy” as Esther Perel calls it. So, when we are direct with people, I see it as a great way to economize energy.

👇 Another way to put this is 👇

 Directness = less wasted energy over time

While some people say they can compartmentalize issues and get their work done…I just don’t see that being a sustainably efficient way to go about work/life. Compartmentalizing requires energy. Energy that could serve you in much MUCH better ways.

Exercising your directness muscle

It’s more than likely that past rejections and/or trauma might’ve led to the unconscious coping mechanisms of people pleasing.

Ultimately when we actively run away from confrontation it can simply be us trying to fulfill a basic need — to feel worthy of love and connection while avoiding conflict.

I do want to encourage breaking that behavioral pattern if it isn’t serving you (and most likely it isn’t).

So, if you’re someone like me who has to exercise my directness muscle daily, start by doing this:

1. The next time you are asked to do something you don’t want to do, experiment with saying “no” (in a polite way). If its uncomfortable, that’s just showing you that you are in new territory. Don’t give up.
   

2. The next time someone asks your opinion, try giving it honestly—without worrying whether your thoughts on the topic differ from theirs.
   

   *Preferably don’t try these things on social media, try them in person. There’s an odd kind of courage that people get behind the safety of a screen. Politely disagreeing face to face is an important skill to work on.

My recommended resource: What Couples Therapy Can Teach Us About Conflict in the Workplace

KEVIN’S RECOMMENDATIONS
More to get curious about

📌 You can’t be in anyones way: A friend sent me this TikTok of a comedian, Zoltan Kaszas, doing a bit on getting in people’s way and it had me cracking up. There’s some great truths here on how we confuse patterns of anxiety as being “polite”.

📌 Apologizing at work: This clip of Mel Robbins is a few years old, but it’s still a gem. My female colleagues have shared with me how prevalent "saying sorry” is for them at (especially at work). Take Mel’s advice and start saying “thank you” to get your power back!

And just like that, another week of learning and growing is over.

As always…

I’m in this with you shoulder-to-shoulder,

Kevin

P.S. If this email was forwarded to you, consider subscribing to receive them in the future.