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Relationships: Choosing to detach like a monk

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Kevin Kermes
February 03, 2024

Happy Saturday!

Your responses to this newsletter have been incredible! Please keep them coming 😀 I read every single one of your replies.

As a reminder, each Saturday, you’ll get access to carefully curated lessons taught and discussed on a theme…many of which are pulled from our work at the CreateNext Group.

This month’s theme is: choice.

Alright, let’s get curious about relationship choices.

RELATIONSHIPS
Choosing to detach like a monk

Isha Foundation

There’s an old Zen parable that demonstrates the importance of choosing to detach from heavy emotional burdens. The big takeaway arrives during the final dialogue between the two monks.

“How could you carry that woman across the river when we aren’t even supposed to look at women?” he blurted out in frustration.

The senior monk replied, “I set that woman down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”

So, who (or what) are you allowing to live “rent free” in your head right now?

A boss? A colleague? An ex? 🤔 đŸ¤”

When it comes to the moments in relationships that take away from our serenity and peace — we don’t need to “detach” from the other person. Instead, it’s about choosing to detach from ourselves.

We are like singers in a large chorus. If the person next to us goes off key, must we? Wouldn’t it help them, and us, more to strive to stay on key? We can learn to hold our part.

Melody Bettie

It’s true that we don’t get to choose what family we’re born into. But I believe we get a choice on who or what we expend our emotional energy and resources on.

If you’re struggling in some relationships to balance comfort and closeness, then you might need to practice “secure relating.”

This is the act of channeling your inner awareness back to a secured position where you are both empathetic and able to set appropriate boundaries.

MUCH easier said then done.

Kevin’s Detachment Steps:

Here are four steps I try to use when I’m getting overly attached and reactionary.

  1. Learn to recognize when I’m reacting (when am I letting someone yank my strings?).

  2. Make myself comfortable. “Feeling chaotic little Kevin?” I can begin restoring peace by taking action and choosing to breathe, walk, clean my house, sit outside, etc.).

  3. Examine what happened. Was it a minor tiff? Or a major problem? Talking to someone about how I feel (and taking ownership for the feelings I experienced helps immensely).

  4. Figure out what else I need to take care of myself. Time? Space? Words of affirmation? Emotional validation? All of the above???

KEVIN’S RECOMMENDATIONS
More to get curious about

📌 “Attachment” on a spectrum: Rather than slapping you with a label of “avoidant” or “insecure” attachment, modern clinicians use this continuum diagram to figure out where people land depending on the situation or relationship. Where are you landing in your relationships right now?

📌 Conversations we’re afraid to have at work: Probably the most interesting podcast for solving workplace dilemmas is Esther Perel’s How’s Work show. 10/10 recommend this to all employers/employees.

And just like that, this week’s installment is complete.

Anything in this post hit home?

Hit ‘reply” and share what’s coming up for you.

Stay tuned for next Saturday when we dive into: confronting your health

As always…

I’m in this with you shoulder-to-shoulder,

Kevin

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